Learning How to Love Yourself in Sobriety

My earliest memories were of feeling disconnected and uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt a deep anxiety being in my body. I escaped through fantasies of having a different life. Being a child, I didn’t know how to soothe over these overwhelming emotions, so I became destructive. I acted out in out bursts of anger and hyperactivity, I disassociated, and I used food for comfort. I lived outside of the realm of soul and body, and this was my medicine. It allowed me to cope with this overpowering discomfort within. By the time I was 12 I was sneaking out, skipping class, and experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I got a rush out of escaping into pure and utter intoxication.

Drugs and alcohol quickly became my lifeline. Without them I felt a deep panic in the pit of my stomach. Drinking and using helped me feel whole and complete.  Around this same time, I started seeking my self-approval and validation in the eyes of others, and especially men. I believed that if people were giving me attention and I was desired then that meant I was worthy of love. This began my cycle of drug infused toxic relationships. I idolized “sick-love”. The type of love that hurts each other, but you can’t stay away because you “need” each other. I gave permission to the men in my life to use me, sleep with me without giving anything in return, to leave and come back, and to keep me as a secret.  I did the same and damaged and hurt others the way I was hurt. My toxic soul and self-destruction impacted many. I sank deeper and deeper into my delusion and disease and at the brink of death a series of fortunate events transpired and I landed in the rooms of a 12 step program.

So, I got sober and I had no true conception of self, and no real identity. I did not know what was up from down. My primary coping mechanism, which was drugs and alcohol, was now taken away from me. So again, I spiraled into seeking validation from things outside of myself to make me feel worthy. I jumped into relationships, I threw myself aggressively into my career, I pushed for more and expected more out of myself with each day. I created this false sense of happiness with these destructive patterns. I got to the point where I was pushing myself constantly. I wanted more, more and more and I wanted me to do it with perfection.

Even though I was sober and on the outside it looked like I was doing life well, when I looked in the mirror I did not feel fulfilled or any real connection to myself. I did not feel completely worthy of love, from others or myself. I had put my reliance heavily on things outside of myself to feel that completeness. I would often tell myself “once I am 10 pounds lighter I will be beautiful”, “Once my partner showers me with compliments and praise I will be enough”, “Once I make over six figures, I will be successful”. I thought this was all healthy personal goal setting, what I did not see was that this was me creating restrictions and conditions on my own self approval. This was me choosing to reject the essence of my being if my own mind-made expectations were not met.

In April of 2017 around two and a half years sober, I ended my first long term relationship in sobriety. Everything that was hiding under the comfort of that relationship came to the surface and hit me like a ton of bricks. There was one realization that was loud and prevalent: I HAD NO REAL IDEA HOW TO LOVE MYSELF. I’d like to say that from that moment on I declared that I would love myself and then moved through life happily and effortlessly, but that is not the truth about my journey. My journey to self-love started out very painfully. It took me a lot of very dark moments to find awareness of what was no longer working.

The first thing that I saw was that I would never feel whole if I kept relying on things outside of myself to tell me that I am okay. I kept taking other people’s opinions as my own, I kept taking jobs for the dollar sign or because someone else told me I should and dating because it was available rather than because I genuinely wanted to. This could only go on for so long before I was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally exhausted. So I set out on a course of self-validation. I stopped dating for a while, I stopped searching outside myself to fulfill, and I just worked on boosting my own self-esteem. In order to accomplish this I had to change the language I had going on within. I noticed I was always using pushy, bossy, restrictive, and punishing language. I had to create an inner dialog that was positive, uplifting, and self-honoring.

Some methods that worked for me were mirror work and I AM statements. I started looking at myself in the mirror every morning and would make “I AM” statements like “ I am amazing”, “I am worthy of love”, “ I am enough”. I read an article once that stated “ I AM” is one of the most powerful statements we can make. Whatever follows “ I AM” starts the creation of it. If you have a friend you love who wants to change, you are not going to constantly tell them they are a piece of shit so they need to change. You are going to love them through it, and allow them a better environment to promote this change. I needed to start being that friend for myself with my language. Once I adopted this into my daily life I started to feel a shift towards comfort in my own being. I felt a new freedom in these new self- validating thought patterns.

Another important lesson I learned on the journey to self-love was that love cannot exist without creating internal boundaries within all my relationships.  I did not see how much of my energy was always going out into the universe without boundaries around this energy. I was always at the service of everyone and everything, which in turn leaves no space for a real relationship with myself. Whether it was work, my sponsees, friendships, or relationships I was constantly giving myself to all of it. I felt fatigued and exhausted all the time. I also would not be able to fully show up for others at this point as well. Once I created some healthy boundaries it allowed more space for me. It allowed me a format for protecting and preserving my energy. Developing boundaries helped me regulate the relationship I had with myself and move into that space of true self-love.

A final tactic that I believe was also of heavy importance on this journey to self-love was the creation of a personalized self care regimen. My whole entire life, I did not understand the meaning or importance of self care. I honestly thought self care meant forcing yourself to go to a gym you don’t like, or to go get your nails done, or to load your bath up with Epsom salts and call it a night. And while those can all be included into self-care, it is not the whole recipe. I like to think of self care as honoring the self or honoring the soul. I had to start looking at what was going to honor my soul from a holistic perceptive.

My regimen is an umbrella that includes something that supports, something that feels like play, and something that soothes. For something that supports, I go to 12 step meetings. Here, I really get to experience the beauty of having a support system wrapped around me, which allows me to flourish. Other types of supporting self care are related to my personal growth. For me, that sometimes looks like working with a life coach, a therapist, or even something simple like reading a book that I’ve always wanted to read or going to a workshop that I’ve been wanting to attend. I saw how when I did these things, even though there was some work involved, it did not feel like work at all. It felt like truly taking care of myself.

Next, something that feels like play. Being so demanding on myself meant that I would never allow myself the chance to have fun and just play. When I honor that playful spirit inside of me and do things that detach me from the world, I feel inspired and brought back to the truth that life is actually supposed to be joyful. This can be something like playing music, or a board game with friends.

Then finally, something that soothes.  I believe soothing techniques are personal to each individual. It is essentially just an activity that destresses the mind and body. For me it includes reading, mediation, exercise, spiritual ceremonies or spending time alone in nature. For you it could look totally different. I had to create MY OWN self care regimen because we are all unique. The combination of support, play, and soothe really helped me get into a space where self-love can arise and flourish. I am choosing to do things that promote growth and a healthy self-perception. This was such a treasure to discover on my path because it truly showed me the gifts of being able to care for myself in a that truly honors who I am.

So here I am today on my journey, and I can say that the amount of love I have developed within has completely transformed the way that I operate. Today I live through inspiration and vitality. I’ve learned how to sink into the depth of who I truly am and love myself as I am in the moment. Just like I mentioned though, self-love is a journey, not a destination. I have to continuously work at it and practice it. I still get my moments and sometimes my moments can look like weeks, but I now have an understanding that complete self love is possible. It is possible for anyone.

Love you all, my soul warriors!