Pushing Forward, Even if You Have to Crawl

My first year of sobriety was all about learning to stay sober in an institutionalized bubble. Year two taught me to become a functioning member of society: get a real job, pay your electric bill, get an oil change. The third year was about making the difficult decisions, such as “what do I want to do with this life that I almost missed?”. It was a year of action, hard work, and taking risks.

This fourth year has surprised me. It has broken me, inspired me, built me up to levels that I never knew I could reach, left me sobbing in my car at the end of late nights, and jumping up and down celebrating in triumph. This year showed me just how far my sobriety can take me …. through absolutely anything.

I started off the year with the opportunity to travel internationally for work. I had been working towards this dream for over two years, and I was ecstatic. While in Birmingham, Shakespeare’s birthplace called my name, and on my own, I set out to take the train to Stratford-upon-Avon, sat in Shakespeare’s school desk, and meditated in his gardens.

I have always had a love for writing, but the sheer fact that I was sitting in the classroom of William Shakespeare, a man regarded as being the single greatest writer of the English language, left me awe-inspired. Upon returning to the states I threw myself ever more into my own writing, and finally my hard work paid off when I became a published poet for the first time.

Summer came and brought a tidal wave of adventure into my life. I planned a trip for 30 sober alcoholics, to camp in the Sequoia National Forest, and tour the Crystal Caves. As night fell, and we all gathered around the campfire to discuss our sobriety and the way the trip had impacted our lives, I realized that my own sobriety had brought together so many beautiful souls to celebrate the spirit of our personal victories over alcohol and other addictive substances. I felt my own purpose.

As summer came to an end, I was finally accepted into the Medical Assisting program at Orange Coast College. My excitement was short lived, as I soon found out that two misdemeanors may prevent me from completing the program. I’ve faced many roadblocks in sobriety due to my past indiscretions. This one though, hit me much harder than any other. Many nights were spent on long erratic phone calls, crying to my mother about the guilt that was eating me alive. I’ve learned to let myself feel the guilt and shame, and then let a power greater than myself take it away from me. With much support from my family and friends, I worked hard to completely expunge my record, and I succeeded.

Merely 5 days before school started, I received news that shattered my entire world. My brother had passed away. One blessing of my sobriety was the opportunity to rebuild my relationship with him before he left this material world. Walking through this loss felt impossible. At some point I had enough courage to hop on a plane, and hold my mothers hand while we collected his belongings and remains. Enough courage to write his eulogy. Enough courage to admit that I needed help beyond what other alcoholics could offer me. I needed therapy. Then at some points I had no courage left in me. I sobbed, I stayed awake through long hours of the night early into the next morning, and I screamed at the top of my lungs at a God that felt so foreign to me. I gave myself the absolute victory of feeling every single emotion that came with his loss. I did not dull a single one, and I survived.

Going back to school while navigating the waters of grief was the hardest thing that I have done in sobriety. I knew though, that this was something I had to do. My brother was always so proud of my accomplishments in sobriety. I remember sitting in a bathroom stall on campus with my stethoscope listening to my own heart beating, convincing myself that I still had some fight left in me. In the spring of this year, just before my fourth sobriety birthday, I applied for graduation, and was accepted as a part of the Orange Coast College graduating class of 2018. In May I will accept my Associates of Science in Medical Assisting with honors from Phi Theta Kappa and Mu Delta Rho.

Roller coaster. That is the term I would use to describe my fourth year of sobriety. The highest of highs, and the lowest of lows; it was one of the most rewarding and most difficult years of my life. Although, through it all, I felt grounded. I was grounded in a purpose. Using every single one of my trials and victories, I led other woman through sobriety with fierce determination to prove to each and every one of them that sobriety can take you farther than you have ever imagined possible. I have seen their own triumphs and failures, and they too have inspired me to keep trudging, skipping, jumping, and at times …. crawling down this road. As long as you are moving forward, you are going in the right direction.